Darwin Award Watch

In its original meaning, ‘tits up’ refers to being on one’s back and possibly dead. As in ‘they found Elvis tits up on the bathroom floor.’ In this vein we bring you the story of a true American hero.

St. Johns County deputies recently launched an investigation into what they called one of the strangest accidents they've ever seen when a man was found dead after getting stuck in a cat door.

Investigators said 32-year-old Charles Tucker Jr. was using the cat door early Saturday morning as a way to get back into his girlfriend's St. Augustine home after the woman kicked him out.

First, let us just say that we can but stand in awe of this guy’s libido. Second, how fucking stupid do you have to be to fatally trap yourself in a cat door? Definitely Darwin Award material. For those of you not familiar with the Darwin Awards, one award is given each year to the individual judged to have done the greatest service to humanity by removing himself or herself from the gene pool in the most incredibly stupid way possible. To say Mr. Tucker is a front runner would be an understatement.

The pure comedy gold in this situation goes beyond slightly delaying the inevitable idiocracy. Here’s an actual transcript of the 911 call:

911 Operator: Ma'am you're going to have to slow down. I'm having a hard time understanding you. Is he hurt?
Caller: He's not breathing.
911 Operator: Okay. If you want to perform CPR, I can help you.
Caller: I can't even get him out of my cat door. He's stuck.
911 Operator: He's stuck in a cat door?
Caller: Yes.
911 Operator: Okay.
Caller: I can't even get him pulled out. (crying)
911 Operator: There's no way you can get him out of there?
Caller: I tried to push him myself. I'm afraid to push the door open.

You have to love the response of the 911 operator upon being told the guy is stuck in the cat door. We get the feeling it was more like:

Caller: I can't even get him out of my cat door. He's stuck.
911 Operator: He's stuck in a cat door?
Caller: Yes.
911 Operator: (long pause) 'kaaaay...

As a personal aside, I would have had a hard time not laughing. This gives me the impression that I would be a terrible 911 operator. The conversation would go something like this:

Caller: He's not breathing.
Me: Okay. If you want to perform CPR, I can help you.
Caller: I can't even get him out of my cat door. He's stuck.
Me: He's stuck in a cat door?
Caller: Yes.
Me: AHAHAHA
Caller: I can't even get him pulled out. (crying)
Me: No! Don’t pull him out!
Caller: I tried to push him myself. I'm afraid to push the door open.
Me: I really want a picture of this. Do you have a digital camera? Yes? This is SO going on my Facebook page.

Tits Up: We laugh at the pain of others.

Update: It has been brought to our attention that we are probably going to hell for this post, which is quite possible. However, if you laughed, sniggered, or smiled, you are coming with us. So there.